New Release -- July 28th, 2011

[StoneFace]

The Farm Town Farmer wanted a companion dog.... and the ft dogs were really silly looking.

So as he is walking one day, sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed.
He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?
"The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."



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[StoneFace]

This guy walks into a bar down in the back hills and orders a mudslide.

The bartender looks him over and says, "You're not from around here are ya?"

"No," he responds. "I'm from Pennsylvania."

The bartender asks, "Well, what do you do in Pennsylvania?"

"I'm a taxidermist," replies the man.

Looking very bewildered, the bartender asks, "What in the world does a tax-e-derm-ist do?"

"I mount dead animals," replies the man.

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar (which is staring at them now), "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!"


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[StoneFace]

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he's history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"
The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had just taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50. But with the Lab work and cat scan...."

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